ScrappleFace: News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher Free ScrappleFace Email Updates

Top Stories...

Wall Street Seeks Disaster Declaration, FEMA Help

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · 35 Comments

(2008-09-15) — The Bush administration is said to be considering an appeal for a disaster declaration by officials at Lehman Brothers, AIG, Merrill Lynch and other Wall Street firms who said they need the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to intervene in the wake of a “Category 5 liquidity crisis.”

A White House spokesman said President Bush plans to fly over the region later this afternoon to view the devastation in person, and has assured Wall Street CEOs that the U.S. stands ready to rescue their firms from the “ravages of capitalism”.

National Guard helicopters have already plucked dozens of investment analysts and stock traders from Manhattan rooftops, and Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera has taken up a position at the front door of the Lehman Brothers building — his hair drenched in stock broker tears, his mustache buffeted by the gale-force winds that fleeing Lehman employees have stirred.

FEMA, already stretched thin from back-to-back relief efforts along the Gulf Coast, nevertheless stands ready to provide mobile housing units and sacks of cash to buttress the cracked walls of America’s financial markets.

Meanwhile, churches and other non-profit organizations nationwide have sent out pleas for donations to care for the displaced brokers, traders and analysts, many of whom failed to heed warnings to get out before the disaster hit.

Your Donation Fuels Family-Friendly Satire

Bonus Quick-Hit Satire: Follow ScrappleFace on Twitter
Print This Story Print This Story |  RSS Feed

Related Stories...

FREE ScrappleFace Email Updates
Get free instant notice when new story posted. Emails contain unsubscribe link. Cancel anytime.

Tags: Business · U.S. News

35 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mig // Sep 15, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Risky business.

  • 2 Ms RightWing, Ink // Sep 15, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Surprised none of the Wall Street brokers and investors have leaped from the windows yet. They did that when we went belly-up during the Wall Street crash of October 29, 1929, better known as Black Tuesday.

    So, is today Black Monday?

  • 3 Libby Gone // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    The love of money and power is the root of all evil……………

  • 4 JamesonLewis3rd // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    Greed, with a continual lust for more, makes for a long list of victims (those taxpayers who get to pay for this farce as opposed to those who threw caution to the wind and actually signed one of those impossible deals).

  • 5 Libby Gone // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    Aye aye can lend ye sum money boy. Aye luv money swab.
    -Mister Krabs (spongebob squarepants fer ye land lubbers)

  • 6 R.A.M. // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Where is the Red Cross in this crisis!!!

    Where can I send some money to? Better yet, I will just send my credit card number and pin to O’Bama, as I know he will help. Isn’t that what he says? ;-)

  • 7 R.A.M. // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    I left a comment about the SNL skit about Palin on the last thread. You might want to check out that NBC/wing nut website.

    Some VERY SCARY people posting there!

  • 8 ep29030 // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    The taxpayer is my Shepherd, I shall not want,
    He leads me beside the green paper,
    He restoreth my assets,
    Yeah, tho I walk through the valley of red ink,
    I will fear no loss
    Thy president and thy Congress, they comfort me,
    Surely profit and prosperity shall follow me all the days of my life,
    And I will dwell in my teakwood office at Wall Street forever. Amen.

  • 9 JamesonLewis3rd // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:52 pm


  • 10 gafisher // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    No question, Wall Street has the makings of a Katrina-level disaster: people who built flimsy structures well below (the economic) sea level, officials who ignored repeated and specific warnings, and politicians leaping with the agility of trapeze artists to take positions as far from blame as possible. All of these, meanwhile, are ready to sacrifice the innocent in hopes of garnering sympathy and aid for a situation which should never have occurred in the first place.

    If you were counting on a mutual fund, 401K, annuity, pension fund or other investment-based savings to ensure your future you might want to look into this alternative. Quickly.

  • 11 Sharon1118 // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Scott forgot to mention that Mayor Nagan graciously dispatched a fleet of 100 yellow school buses to rescue the displaced Lehman Brothers employees who had amassed in Madison Square Gardens during the overnight crisis . . .

  • 12 bigflushtoilet // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    The truly sad part about all of this is that Capitalism is being blamed for these problems, when in fact that Capitalism is the only real solution. What I believe we will soon learn is that capitalism simply goes underground when it is blamed, disparaged, made illegal, and taxed out of existence - the underground market however will now have the addition of the sophisticated internet technologies to fuel its growth.

    David T. McKee

  • 13 gafisher // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    Ms RW, Ink Re#2: Black Friday or Black Monday, I think there’s some significance to the fact the current Wall Street meltdown took place primarily as business was being conducted on a day between those two.

  • 14 Hawkeye // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Don’t worry, we’ll all be making plenty of “donations” pretty soon. You don’t even have to ask for an address… they’ll just send the bill to your house. :shock:

  • 15 Hawkeye // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    a “Category 5 liquidity crisis.”

    Great line Scott.

  • 16 Maggie // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Alms for the poor.
    Buddy can you spare a dime?
    Buddy,can you spare a dime until my brother straightens out; he’s a hunchback.

    ((( just practicing )))

  • 17 mig // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    Well maybe they wouldn’t have to file Chapter 11 if they hadn’t been big political contributors. The money was flying into the Obama and Clinton campaigns.
    Democratic presidential candidates and senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama top the list of all-time recipients for the company, collecting $410,000 and $395,600 respectively. Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., a member of both the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs Committee and the Senate Finance Committee, hauled in $181,450, while Sen. Chris Dodd, chair of the Senate banking committee, has collected $165,800.

    From another source: …the company has built a strong financial relationship with politicians over the years and coincidentally ranks fourth in the largest contributors in the race for the White House.

  • 18 ethanthom // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:03 pm

    LOVE the poem ep29030 just beautiful.Can I put that in my blog?

  • 19 RedRum151 // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    It was Karl Rove ! And that awful Darth Cheney ! ! They blew up the levees and let the red ink in !

    We’re doomed !

  • 20 everthink // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Now we can see, in part, the result of Reagan Deregulation, Republican Greed, and Neo-Con Corruption.

    Privatize Social Security anyone?


  • 21 gafisher // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    I heard a tiny snorting noise
    from down beneath the sink.
    Watch out! That stuff is poisonous!
    Stop sniffing, …

    Rats, can’t think of a suitable rhyme.

  • 22 Fred Sinclair // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    bft #12 - Amazing! The liberals ‘forced’ the loans to people who could never repay. And when they couldn’t the cry of sob stories arose from the few who lost their houses for Big Government redress of their sorry plight. Amazing is the fact that over 90% did make the payments and didn’t lose their houses. But of course MSM didn’t interview them (the vast majority) but rather interviewed the losers who never would have had the houses in the first place without having been ‘egged on’ by greedy men (and women). as Rush said “Follow the money trail.”

    “He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings, Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself. But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.” (1 Tim 6:4-12)


  • 23 everthink // Sep 15, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    “tiny snorting noise”?

    You really have no idea the onslaught that awaits you in November, but you night get some idea by our new registration numbers.

    Even our military is contributing 6 to 1 for Obama over McCain.



  • 24 Libby Gone // Sep 15, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    Lies, Text, and hunting Shnape.
    You keep up the chase of of the derelicts.
    America has found it’s voice. A WAR HERO (MAJOR ACCOLADES!!!!!! Sir McCain!!!!!)Ms. Palin , wow. I’d trust my kids in her care ANYDAY.
    Think about dropping the kids off at the OBAMER house, no way!
    think about it.

  • 25 camojack // Sep 15, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Stimulus package, anyone?

  • 26 baragirl // Sep 15, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    “You really have no idea the onslaught that awaits you in November”
    WOW,et, are you going clear back to your Nazi roots and having a Purge of all Republicans in November?
    You say “Enough!!!”
    Are we supposed to cower or run?
    Has Obumpo got his Brownshirts armed and trained already?
    I think I will go buy some more guns ,while I still can.


  • 27 mindknumbed kid // Sep 15, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Jack Muthta and JoKerry’s contributions do not count.

  • 28 mindknumbed kid // Sep 15, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Proverbs 14:34
    Righteousness exalteth a nation: but sin is a reproach to any people.

    The liberals will tell you that everything is alright in their eyes. Americans in general believe that we are what we are, and that we have what we have because we are Americans. Many feel as though they deserve it just because they are an American.

    The idea that our nation’s financial freedoms are related in any way to the Almighty Creator of the Universe is ridiculous to them.
    It is sin that is bringing this nation down. Will we look to God once we’ve been brought to our knees or continue to believe in ourselves?
    Job 1:21
    And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
    Where is your treasure?

    When and if America falls, it will not be because of government policies. It will be sin, and at the rate we are going…

  • 29 gafisher // Sep 15, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    Even our military is contributing 6 to 1 for Obama …

    Our” being …?

  • 30 mig // Sep 15, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Right gafisher!
    Our being those brothers in Gaza is a good possiblity.

  • 31 everthink // Sep 15, 2008 at 11:43 pm


    The United States Military.

    Do you dishonor those who defend the United States even now?

    The same military in which I, and my son, served.

    You sad little Chickenhawk!


  • 32 gafisher // Sep 16, 2008 at 5:31 am

    ET, surely you jest. We have on the order of a million and a quarter troops deployed overseas; the link you gave tabulates the contributions of 323 of them. Three hundred and twenty three. Every single one of those 323 men and women must be commended for participating in the political process in this way, especially given that the Democrats have worked so hard to suppress their votes, but 323 out of a million and a quarter troops proves nothing. By your standards, it would be more valid to say that

    “fewer than one in a million of the troops in that survey support the Obama campaign.”

  • 33 onlineanalyst // Sep 16, 2008 at 6:52 am

    Speaking of Open Secrets: Who do Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac support?

    Big money with only Congressional “oversight”? Right!

    We see who is buttering whose bread. It’s time for some house cleaning and some accountability.

  • 34 onlineanalyst // Sep 16, 2008 at 7:05 am

    Obama is hawkish in overt war with Pock-is-tan. (Do his slavish followers realize this saber-rattling and the implications for roiling the delicate balance in the area?)

    Christopher Hitchens, who is very familiar with the rivalries and politics of the area, takes Obama to the woodshed in a commentary at Salate, linked at http://www.

    What is even more intriguing is a link provided by one of the commenters about Obama’s Pakistan connections:

    Obama has never been seriously vetted for fitness for office in any capacity in our federal government.

    Frankly, everything about him makes a compelling case for Obama’s being in a federal prison.

  • 35 mindknumbed kid // Sep 16, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    Maybe the Federal Housing Enterprise Regulatory Reform Act of 2005 would have helped, too bad the Demwits blocked it, wasn’t that a John-Wayne McCain bill?

You must log in to post a comment.