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July 29, 2005
Frist: Stem Cell Study May Cure Tax-Dollar Addiction
by Scott Ott

(2005-07-29) -- Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist today announced his support for expanding federally-funded stem cell research in hopes of finding a cure for his own addiction to tax dollars.

"Although I am a conservative, my addiction drives me to steal money from average Americans and spend it on my pet projects," said Sen. Frist. "Perhaps government-owned scientists will be able to conquer this unfortunate condition by slicing up human embryos."

The Senator, who is also a medical doctor, said a healthy conservative would resist using tax dollars to pay for speculative research, especially research that destroys human life.

"There must be an enzyme or something in the DNA that simultaneously suppresses my fiscal and moral conservatism," he said. "While we wait for a cure, I have joined a 12-step program where I have admitted that I have a problem, I'm powerless to overcome it and I must look to a higher power."

President George Bush urged all Americans to pray for the healing of Sen. Frist's condition, which he called a "significant handicap that might stunt the growth of his political career."

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