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July 28, 2005
House Passes LAFTA, Relieving Liberal Guilt
by Scott Ott

(2005-07-28) -- Just hours after it approved the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA), the U.S. House last night passed the Liberal American Free Trade Agreement (LAFTA), which drops the requirement that left-leaning consumers feel guilty when purchasing unnecessary items from Wal-Mart, McDonald's and other businesses "engaged in unapologetic capitalism."

"Under LAFTA, liberals will not longer need to slink into Wal-Mart at 2 a.m.," said one unnamed Congressman. "And now they can actually sit down in the McDonald's restaurant, instead of just pulling up to the second window in their hybrids."

Under the terms of LAFTA, lawmakers expect no substantial changes in total revenue to such merchants from liberals who despise them.

"This trade pact simply assures us all that buying things that you don't need from businesses that you hate doesn't make you a bad person," the source said. "It doesn't mean that you're a soccer Mom or a NASCAR Dad, or something awful like that."

President George Bush welcomed the LAFTA pact as "another step toward granting oppressed people the freedom and opportunity that make America great."

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