(2003-12-05) -- With factory inventories of flu vaccine completely depleted, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have issued an alert recommending "abstinence."

"Our official CDC guidelines suggest Americans completely abstain from influenza," said a CDC spokesman. "Not getting the flu is the only 100-percent effective method to guarantee that you won't need the vaccine. Since we're all out of the serum, we're issuing this alert to reduce the demand for it."

The CDC also announced that it had raised the Homeland Influenza Index to "Orange" due to increased "chatter" in the media about the flu.

"Orange signifies that the index is higher than yellow, but not as high as red," according to the spokesman. "Since the influenza virus is invisible, odorless and omnipresent, we suggest that Americans take appropriate precautions."