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July 02, 2003
CBS Pairs Rather with Donahue to Boost Ratings
by Scott Ott

(2003-07-02) -- In a bid to recover from its worst ratings slump in 10 years, the CBS Evening News will pair former talk-show host Phil Donahue with Dan Rather at the anchor desk.

"After Phil's remarkable stint at MSNBC, we thought he'd be the perfect partner for Dan," said an unnamed producer for the news show. "No one knows more about ratings problems than Phil."

The anonymous producer said that despite the sharp decline in viewers, he believes a nightly newscast is still a great product.

"Even though most people have already heard or read all the stories during the day, they still love to sit and watch old men read," he said.

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First comment from the Lemonhead!

Posted by: John Lemon at July 2, 2003 12:57 AM

The Fathers of America et al

JULY 4th...think about it
America and Freedom

All that is necessary for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing.

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

I have sworn upon the altar of Almighty God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.

The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities.

Make men wise, and by that very operation you make them free. Civil liberty follows as a consequence of this; no usurped power can stand against the artillery of opinion.

A society that does not recognize that each individual has values of his own which he is entitled to follow can have no respect for the dignity of the individual and cannot really know freedom.

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do.

No man is entitled to the blessings of freedom unless he be vigilant in its preservation.

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.

Make yourselves sheep and the wolves will eat you.

No Slave will fight as hard as a Man who is Free

Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, hear not, the things, which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it. Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves. ... Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting fire in a theater and causing a panic.

Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the Government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. Those who won our independence believed that the final end of the State was to make men free to develop their faculties... They valued liberty both as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty.

The tree of liberty only grows when watered by the blood of tyrants.

Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is the highest political end. By liberty I mean the assurance that every man shall be protected in doing what he believes is his duty against the influence of authority and majorities, custom and opinion.

He is free who lives as he wishes to live; who is neither subject to compulsion nor to hindrance, nor to force; whose movements to action are not impeded, whose desires attain their purpose, and who does not fall into that which he would avoid. Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else.

Everywhere were Freedom stirs, Let Tyrants Fear

Posted by: jp at July 2, 2003 07:37 AM

"Resistance to tyrants is obiediance to God."
--Benjamin Franklin

"Don't [mess] with Wendy Testaberger!"
--Wendy Testaberger (South Park)

Posted by: some random guy at July 2, 2003 09:01 AM

I've used a variation of this joke before, (credited to David Letterman), but it still fits here. Here goes:

If Dan Rather and Phil Donahue had a fight with pool cues, on National T.V., who would be the winner?-----------------

The viewing public! Rim shot!

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at July 2, 2003 09:18 AM

I heard that TNN, thwarted with their efforts at forming Spike TV, have decided to chang format and create the first network for seniors. It will feature two old men sitting on the porch in rockers and discussing the weather. "Looks like rain".


"My lumbago is flarin up"


Posted by: U2B LFC in an anti-geezer tirade at July 2, 2003 09:58 AM

Proof that Spike Lee is indeed [a jerk].

I hope the Spike Jones estate sues his butt into oblivion.

Said actor James Marsten (Spike on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), "What a wanker."

Posted by: some random guy at July 2, 2003 10:43 AM

I used to think it was cool to Spike the punch bowl. Now, I think YECCHHHCHCH!

Posted by: KJ at July 2, 2003 10:54 AM

I used to have a dog named Spike, who actually had more smarts than spike lee!

>>>I heard that TNN, thwarted with their efforts at forming Spike TV, have decided to chang format and create the first network for seniors. It will feature two old men sitting on the porch in rockers and discussing the weather. "Looks like rain".


"My lumbago is flarin up"


Then they will be sued by The Muppet Show, for the two old guys in the balconey!

Posted by: Rufus McCain at July 2, 2003 11:51 AM

I can not believe that a judge actually granted Whiney Spike Lee's an injunction. The name spike has been around for decades. He did not invent it. If you can not patent it or copyright it, then you can not sue for them using it. Da-n Liberal judges. Everything went down hill when former male stripper Warren Burger was made chief justice.

Posted by: Homer at July 2, 2003 11:56 AM


Posted by: Homer Simpson at July 2, 2003 11:59 AM

Wow! How much BS can they put in CBS?

Posted by: Univited Guest at July 2, 2003 12:09 PM

How much time do they have?

Posted by: rabidfox at July 2, 2003 01:38 PM

You add Al Gore to the lineup and NOW you have a program!

Posted by: Cyber Sarge at July 2, 2003 01:45 PM

Rumor has that CBS is engaged in secret negotiations with Robert C. Byrd (D-KKK)in a safe house in Lizard Lick, WV.

Posted by: Univited Guest at July 2, 2003 01:54 PM

I thought Robt Byrd (KKK) was from LYNCHburg?

Posted by: Rufus McCain at July 3, 2003 02:02 AM

I always thought that CBS was read as 'See-BS'. And BBC is British Bias Corporation.

Posted by: Ken Stein at July 8, 2003 04:24 PM