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May 31, 2003
Sean Penn's NYT Ad Boosts Mescaline Sales

(2003-05-31) -- Actor Sean Penn's 4,161-word full-page ad in the New York Times has top agency executives rethinking the role of copywriting in great advertising. The rambling screed about patriotism, war, french fries and William Saroyan has boosted sales of mescaline overnight.

While the ad never mentions mescaline, or any hallucinogen directly, demand for the illegal drug has spiked sharply among wealthy liberals, a key New York Times demographic slice. And that has big advertising executives taking notice.

"Penn has rocked the advertising world," said one unnamed creative director of a large unnamed agency. "He has achieved what we only dream of. He has become the product. It's almost as if mescaline itself wrote the ad. This is a creative triumph, and has revived a product which had suffered years of sluggish sales."

Creative directors agree that if Mr. Penn is to sustain his success in the copywriting business he will have to, as one put it, "become milk, or Mercedes-Benz, or Depend™ as the client demands."

by Scott Ott | Donate | | Comments (51) | More Satire | Printer-Friendly
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Posted by: Dude at May 31, 2003 08:49 AM

Concerned about the recent crediblity problems at the NYTimes, Penn though he might be taken more seriously if he BOUGHT the space outright.

Can't complain about his sources that way, no matter what bottle, bag or vial they come in.


Posted by: ILIA at May 31, 2003 09:13 AM




The real LFC deal

HHHMMMM???? "Frenchfries"......THAT one?

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat (ORIGINAL & often imitated) at May 31, 2003 09:54 AM

After the 'bad rap', Brown, and/or Tan Acid, got at many rock concerts in the late 1960's, thru 1970's, it's makers have contacted Penn for, what they term, a 'Blitz Media Campaign' makeover!

A Penn spokesman said, "Mr. Penn might be interested IF, he can be paid in 'Product', instead of cash!"

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at May 31, 2003 10:26 AM

Not to be outdone, "Peyote Sue" Sarandon removed her victory sign fingers from her nostrils and advocated for the legalization of communist dictatorships in the contiguous 48 states.

Posted by: veg at May 31, 2003 11:29 AM

This just in: Howard Dean, who will have "former presidential candidate" behind his name forever ("And that's all I wanted"), says Hillary would be a great president. Said Hillary, "I am so flattered. I feel pretty. I feel witty. I feel pretty, and witty, and gender confused."

Posted by: veg at May 31, 2003 11:48 AM

Well, I started to read Penns' Screed, but had to stop because now my brain hurts. But I do think some good could come from this. A series of public service announcemnts:

Kids, This is your brain: (shot of an egg)
This is your brain after becoming an actor:
(Shot of someone who has just read Sean
Penns' Screed.)

Maybe it could save some lives!

Posted by: Woodstock Willie at May 31, 2003 11:54 AM

Now that he has admitted that he spoke to Tariq Aziz, the info minister, I know he is for real. Sean Penn must have been eating Thai sticks instead of freedom fries.

I want whatever he is on!

Posted by: Stoner chick at May 31, 2003 11:54 AM

Oh, to be rich, stoned and famous. I tried to read Penn's manifesto but quickly developed a nosebleed. I tried again but finally gave up when I had Tariq Aziz hallucinations. Maybe we can get Susan sarandon to read it on NPR.

Posted by: Paul at May 31, 2003 12:46 PM

>>>This just in: Howard Dean, who will have "former presidential candidate" behind his name forever ("And that's all I wanted"),--

I like that veg, kinda like, "Now here's Geraldine Ferrarro, former Vice-Presidental Candidate!"

If it weren't for that title, she would have to be introduced as, "Jerry Ferrarro, Lib-lemming, Bill and Hill smooch, the 'mouthy', woman, who looks like a man!"

P.S. It's not that a woman would not make a good Vice-President, (or maybe a President), just NOT her OR Hillary!

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done, Campaign Manager for, Cassandra For President 2008 at May 31, 2003 01:41 PM

He has an 11 year old daughter! I pity that poor girl, with someone like "Mr." Penn as a father.

I guess this means he isn't eligible for the Darwin awards, since he has already reproduced. Still, maybe he'll manage to get himself out of the gene pool before he reproduces again.

I wonder what movie he took her to? Maybe something by Michael Moore...

Posted by: DoktorI at May 31, 2003 01:52 PM

>>>He has an 11 year old daughter! I pity that poor girl, with someone like "Mr." Penn as a father.

DoktorI: Let's hope Sean has the good sense to not socialize with Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, or she may be getting married soon!

Posted by: "Slick" Willie at May 31, 2003 02:11 PM

Mr. Spicoli,

I take your constant whining and lack of respect for America, personally.
You are a spoiled rich Hollywood brat who has never done anything in your life without being in a drug induced haze.
See me in the principles office immediately and bring Mr. Stoner with you.

Posted by: Mr. Hand at May 31, 2003 02:47 PM

lol mr hand...i can almost hear that announcement in my head...real monotone voice just like my old high school daze... :)

hey, real LFC i see ya decided ya like "dudette" after all, huh? i thought it would grow on ya...

btw, i tried to read the screed for myself but when i tried to download i just got a bunch of gibberish...and then my screen went black and i had to reboot...for real folks, not don't know what he actually said but who really cares anyway...

Posted by: mari lynn at May 31, 2003 02:57 PM

My eyes crossed...I had to use a magnifying glass, and what the heck, excuse me, is a screed? Is that stonerspeak for Sean's creed? Suzan Saranwrap's creed?

I wish he had told all this to the Church Lady before he had blabbed it to the Times. I wonder what she would have thought about it...she hated Saddam so.

She and her John Goodman sized mother would have taken care of him...

Posted by: Cricket at May 31, 2003 04:12 PM

mari lynn said:......when i tried to download i just got a bunch of gibberish"

-----that means the dowload was successful!!

" don't know what he actually said..

and neither did he nor anyone else!( see first line of this post!(:~})

Mari lynn---dudette has been a part of my vocabulary for years....just not used often! (~})

Posted by: Lynch Fam Cat / 2nd-ing the vote for Cassandra For Pres. in 08!--Darth- VP? at May 31, 2003 04:45 PM

I'm still trying to get past the "Ignore the Obvious" part...keep getting stuck on that phrase

Posted by: AnGeL Thoughtz at May 31, 2003 05:00 PM

Not paying attention. 4954 to go.

Posted by: wannabe at May 31, 2003 09:20 PM

And 'they' say drug use doesn't hurt.....

Now we have two 'posterboys' for abstaining from drug use- Sean Penn and Ozzy!!!

Don't try this at home kids....

Posted by: hrdlordi at May 31, 2003 09:30 PM

Itís a sunny afternoon in SoCal and Iím like ìwhoooh, I think that cloud resembles an rhinocerous. Then I hear on the radio that George W. Bush wontí accept a 15th UN resolution denouncing a Iraq disarming thing and I was like, woah, he must be like a warmonger or something. So the most awesome, accessible info must be like, you know, corporate greed and all the evile stuff in my movees.

So like Kilroy, you know the dude with the nose in ìNamî as those of us who played actual military like to refer to it as, shows up on the twin towers, cuz thatís what AlKada is you Know. Just more battlefield warriers fighting the fights against the east coast capitalists you know.

See. me and my children from their mothers are the true spirit of American Patriotism and the rest of you are just stupid. As my little daughter ate a salted potatoe string, that we like to call French Fries, with her little blue eyes looking at me like I was her father, I said to myself ìI hope she too can have a left wing view of the future without these pesky conservative thinkers clouding her judgementî

Then I was invited to Bahdad by Norman Soloman of the ìWe love Baghdad Bobî website. It was awesome. It was so about me, and my concern for the Iraqish people, that I just new the gobment, because it was JorgeBush and not Bill Clinton, would misrepresent everything is I said.

It again, is all about me. You see, everyone in this jorgebush government want to hurt me and because I make such a difference and tell me version of truth. I just hope that all Americish people will be as questioning as I am or we are a doomd peple.

Posted by: Anti-Sean at May 31, 2003 09:55 PM

Sean gets the award for the biggest hollywood pri**; so how do you get so popular when you're that ugly and untalented?

Oh, you do Madonna!

Posted by: Pooke at May 31, 2003 09:57 PM

I wonder if Madonna will let her children visit with her ex's kids. As much as I hate to admit it, (and please don't flame me here, okay?) at least his protest was in the form of an ad that he bought and paid for, and Madonna sought to capitalize on this using her trademark sleaze. She has decided to not release her video here, but she does feel at home in france and so, nacherally, the frainch are welcome to the little sleazepot.

I actually read of one reviewer of her video on line, and he called it the most 'controversial piece released by the 'artist' to date. MAD-onna?
An 'artist?'

Oh nooooo....the world is turning dark...I am fffaaaaaalliiiiiinnnnnnngggggg....aaaahhhhhhhTHUD.

Posted by: Cricket at June 1, 2003 12:56 AM

Sean Penn didn't write that logical and moving piece. I did. It was one last job that I had to do before Sean Penn got the byline.

Posted by: Jayson B-liar at June 1, 2003 01:01 AM

from Cricket--------

"......Oh nooooo....the world is turning dark...I am fffaaaaaalliiiiiinnnnnnngggggg....aaaahhhhhhhTHUD."

PAGING DR. STUHL. ...DR. HARDEN STUHL! Please report to emergency immediately!!!!

The adorable Cricket Scrappler has fallen and can't get up! She appears to have gone....
MAD ONN [an}A PENN-"diss" it.u.s. attack!

{.... I know----grooooannn}..

Posted by: LFCat @Snoopy's typewriter w/a Root Beer.--HEY!Where's the ROOT? at June 1, 2003 01:24 AM

I will have to admit that when I first saw, "The Falcon and the Snowman", I thought Penn was a good actor, NOW, I realize, he was just playing himself, a cut-throat, druggie!

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at June 1, 2003 06:46 AM

I read about 1/4th of that bilge. In a desperate attempt to drive it out of my head I went to two AA meetings, a couple dozen NA meetings and an Amway seminar.

I'm still confused.

Getting knee deep in brass at the rifle range might help.
I hope.

Make it stop.

Posted by: Mike S at June 1, 2003 10:20 AM

I'm with Mari-lynn. Ever since I clicked the link my computer has been acting really funny. My desk-top flickers every few seconds, and everything takes about four or five times as long to load and execute. Good thing I did it on my home machine and not at work.
I think there is some insidious liberal virus attached to the site that introduces wishful thinking, fuzzy logic, and rejection of facts in favor of what "feels right, dude" into the hard-drive.
In short, I think my computer has become a Leftist.
I'm doomed. No more links to NRA, Federalist Society, and other Conservative sites. It will probably list me as "Another Frenchman" on Scrappleface.
And worst of all, since it is demeaning and exploitive of more internet porn.

Life is getting bleak.

Posted by: some random guy at June 1, 2003 03:15 PM


Dr Harden Stuhl
Do not read Actor Sean Penn's full-page ad in the New York Times!!!!

Youíre mind is to great to endanger with that load of liberal bilge.

Please stay away at all costs!!!

Posted by: Mike S at June 1, 2003 04:01 PM

Welllllll, In 6 years I will retire for good!! At that time I want some of that good stuff that Sean Penn has been doing. Up until then I can't try it because of clearances etc., besides my wife won't let me. Whine, Whine. My only fear is that I will turn into a liberal :>( Nawww never happen bring on the good stuff. BTW what is the good stuff. I need an education. Think maybe Penn will define it for me????

Posted by: Old Sailor at June 1, 2003 04:16 PM

WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! mr. O...(hay, that rimes)uhhh, oh yeah....just because I drop a little mesc once in a while doesn't make me a wealthy east coast liberal. I ain't even from the east coast. I'm from New York, which is very cool (except in the summer when its real humid (and it ain' the heat its the humidity))and I don't read the Times because it has no comics.

Posted by: Stoner at June 1, 2003 08:25 PM


Will Sean and Anti-Sean annihilate each other in a fantastic burst of energy should they ever come in contact with each other?

Inquiring minds want to know..

Posted by: johnh at June 1, 2003 08:58 PM

Oh, God, we could only hope they would annihilate each other. Of course, if it was Sean's brain that went, we might not even notice the flash (E=MC squared) wouldn't add up to much. Remember the old saying: "If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his own nose."

I think we should allow insane people to read Sean's screed. It might just drive them back into sanity. What do you think, Dr. Stuhl?

Posted by: DoktorI at June 1, 2003 10:30 PM

Whooaa Dok, that jokes not old, I used it just last night. on my dad. Dude, turns out something in him really was dynamite, cause he sure blew up when i said that.

Posted by: Stoner at June 2, 2003 01:18 AM

If you see this man please contact us immediately.
He is considered empty headed and extremely liberal.
Do not attempt to talk to him on your own.
Consider his opinions vague and asinine.

Posted by: Amber Liberal Alert at June 2, 2003 03:24 AM

Nice picture. When I first saw it, I thought it was Susan Esterich, except Sean makes a prettier woman than she!

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at June 2, 2003 04:11 AM

A little over 2000 to go, to the Millionth visitor! Do I have to be present to claim my prize Scott?

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done, I want to win! at June 2, 2003 04:58 AM

I am not wearing pants.
Repeat, I am not wearing pants.

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat (ORIGINAL & somewhat insane) at June 2, 2003 07:39 AM


Actor Sean Penn checked into the Betty Ford clinic last weekend for severe drug dependency issues. Hollywood gossip columnist Sheilah Graham said it was known that Penn's friends had been worried for months about Sean's apparent drug addiction and erratic behavior. It finally came to a head last week when his behavior prompted his wife Robin Wright Penn called an intervention to convince Sean to seek help.

"He really need to recognize how far down he had gotten", stated Wright, "He obviously had become a danger to himself with his career ending activities ... however last week when he suggested that he would like to make another movie with Madonna, ... I mean enough is enough, he was threatening to become a danger to society and need to be stopped".

Wright said it was surprisingly easy to convince Penn that he needed help, "Well, his friends and I locked him in a room and made him watch Shanghai Surprise and then Swept Away, at which point he broke down into tears and begged us to help him. We were prepared to continue, though we were concerned that if we had to show him The Next Best Thing and Who's That Girl, that the people involved in the intervention would require drugs to get though it".

Posted by: Frodo at June 2, 2003 10:40 AM

you know way too much about the career of Sean Penn.

Did I mention that I am not wearing pants today? Nope, Nada. No clothes for the old cat. Au natural.

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat (ORIGINAL & somewhat insane) at June 2, 2003 11:18 AM

I highly doubt the authenticity of the above post! ... Is Mr. Blair in the house today?

Posted by: Frodo at June 2, 2003 11:27 AM

Yo Yo,
why you be dissin my feline friend?
Just caus the cat got no clothes?
The Lynch Family lets it all hang out, know what I mean?

Ma Ma Ma Mooooo

Posted by: Lynch Family Mad Rapping Cow at June 2, 2003 11:36 AM

Well Moody Moo to you, too...

Posted by: Cassandra at June 2, 2003 12:10 PM

After Sean Penn's manifesto ran in the Times, his younger, fatter brother Christopher Penn (Footloose) (Reservoir Dogs) followed the example of the Unabomber's brother and called authorities to turn in his brother.

He was greatly disappointed when the authorities informed him his brother had not actually broken the law in this instance and they could not pick him up at his San Francisco cabin.

They did tell him that it is possible the people suing the gun manufacturer's could turn on his brother if someone is shot with either of the "peace activist's" stolen firearms and this lawsuit could hurt Sean Penn more than any of the many other lawsuits filed by people the "peace activist" has punched.

Posted by: twalsh at June 2, 2003 12:40 PM


Christopher called the wrong authorities. Instead of calling the police, he should have sent a copy of the ad to the local mental health clinic. They would have been able to make the correct diagnosis: paranoid schizophrenia complicated by intense dissociative disorder (although Penn in real life is just an actor, he also suffers from multiple personalities: US Secretary of State, political analyst for the NY Times, boxer, paparazzi vigilante...)

Posted by: Cassandra at June 2, 2003 12:51 PM

Hmmmm, you're onto something Cassandra. I've seen something similar happen to someone who posted something equally bizzare on an online BB.

Posted by: Frodo at June 2, 2003 02:01 PM

Here in the Pacific Northwet Penn's screed had caused resurgence in psilocybin mushroom use to the point where the feds are considering making the mushrooms an endangered species.

Dude, letís party!

Posted by: maddog at June 2, 2003 07:19 PM

If I read his rantandgocrazy can Isit neeked like LFC and then sue for psychological damanage to my brian ..eerr bryin eerr nogin?

See ^^^^ proof positive of the damage! Where's my neckbrace?

Posted by: Fr. Guido Sarducci at June 2, 2003 10:00 PM

I love Sean, stop picking on him. He is the most intelligent actor in LA. He speaks his mind and he writes well. It's a shame he has to PAY to be in the paper, the should be PAYING him to publish his pieces.

I found his screed very moving. We need more actors to speak their minds, to act out against the right wing oppressors.

They have the power we little people do not.

Power to the people!!!

Power to the people!!

Up with people! Up with People!!

Posted by: Sean's my hero at June 4, 2003 12:10 AM

Hero worshipper,
My. What a sad little life you have.
Go back to your continuous loop of "Fast Times" and "Shanghai Suprise" and leave the blogging to people whose IQ is above room-temperature

"Dude! That was my skull. I'm soooo wasted!"
'Twill be many a year, till we see someone match the wit and wisdom of Spickoli. Specoli. Whatever. You know, the "people on 'Ludes should not drive." guy.

Posted by: some random guy at June 4, 2003 03:10 PM

Daisy/chris: You have Gorejacked this thread. Under the Balloon Juice rules of the Blogsphere, you have lost the debate and now must leave. Goodbye.

Posted by: Gorjacking Cop at June 4, 2003 09:49 PM

Oppps. Wrong threa.d

Posted by: Cop at June 4, 2003 09:53 PM
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