As a result, many minimum wage workers can no longer afford the groceries they sack, nor the fuel dispensed at the convenience stores where they work.

Democrats who pushed the minimum wage hike through Congress last year, said they plan to address the problem by requiring retailers to raise their prices so they can afford to pay their workers enough to buy the pricier products.

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While staffers refused to divulge the content of Sen. Obama’s “light-hearted military anecdote” a Reader’s Digest editor sent a rejection slip suggesting a “different approach.”

“Humor in Uniform items typically reflect a love and respect for our nation’s fighting forces, and support for the job they do,” the editor wrote to Sen. Obama. “And as you might guess from the section title, these items also tend to be funny. We would be happy to consider future submissions which fit this description.”

Sen. Obama refused to take questions about the incident, saying only, “There are easier ways to get $300.”

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“It’s time to bring them home,” said Sen. McCain at a news conference attended by a journalism intern from the Des Moines Register. “The surge has worked, and it’s time to redeploy.”

Sen. McCain said bringing Sen. Obama home would help to ensure that “people in the U.S., who desperately need media attention, will get the help they deserve.”

“Our mainstream media forces are stretched too thin,” he said. “If news should break here in the homeland, who’s going to cover it? We’re vulnerable.”

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Although experts agree that the Democrat nominee has the presidency all but locked up, Sen. McCain told several dozen cheering supporters that he’s “in it to win.”

“My friends, this is not just a vanity campaign to position myself for a sweeter advance payment from some book publisher,” said Sen. McCain. “I actually intend to be sitting in the Oval Office this time next year.”

None of the major TV networks covered the McCain announcement, however, since all of their anchors and reporters were in Afghanistan following the Obama campaign.

Mr. McCain, best known among Republicans for taking principled stands against Republicans, said he would take advantage of his rival’s absence to make speeches distancing himself from President George W. Bush.

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“This just proves that American capitalism works,” said an unnamed analyst from Bear Stearns. “The self-correcting mechanism of free markets still happens as if guided by an invisible hand. This week we caught another glimpse at that hand. Too bad Adam Smith wasn’t alive to see it.”

Around the globe, investor faith in the U.S. economy was buoyed by the news that the federal government had stepped in to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two firms which either hold, or back, about half of the mortgages in the United States.

“The true measure of strength is one’s willingness to seek help in time of need,” said one investor. “When Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae came crawling to the U.S. taxpayer to bail them out, their executives boldly showed that they’re not afraid to be vulnerable.”

Confidence also swelled because the two mortgage giants will get rescued using OPM — other people’s money — another signal to investors of the stability and integrity of these firms.

President George Bush, speaking to a group of skittish fiscal conservatives today at a gathering sponsored by The Club for Growth, said the rescue plan made sense.

“Fannie Mae is not some faceless bureaucracy,” said President Bush. “It’s an American institution. It’s personal. So when we use taxpayer dollars to keep it from going under, we’re not trying to save some mortgage company out there, my fellow Republicans, we’re trying to save your Fannie and mine.”

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Images of the missile tests showed apparently-real, as well as computer-generated duplicates of Shahab missiles, which Iran claims have a range of up to 1,250 miles — long enough to strike Israel — a claim which has since been questioned by Western arms experts.

Mr. Ahmadinejad said that while it may take years to produce actual weapons that could strike “the Zionist state”, Iranian scientists and graphic artists have already demonstrated the ability, using Adobe® technology to “completely obliterate” Israel from the map.

“We can do it at a moments notice,” he said, “Even now I have my finger on the button of a device that can make the borders and all the cities of Israel vanish in seconds.”

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The Illinois senator said he would engage Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in face-to-face negotiations offering “carrots as well as sticks,” meaning that he would “reward Iranian goodwill gestures with stirring laudatory speeches, and punish Iran’s violations of U.N. resolutions with bold rhetorical rebukes.”

“We know that President Ahmadinejad wants to see Israel wiped off the face of the map,” said Sen. Obama, “Of course, the first step in negotiating is to determine what the other party wants that you might be able to provide”

“Iran needs to know that our words mean something,” he said. “During the Obama administration, our words will mean that we are saying things by combining those words into sentences to express ideas about how we feel, using dramatic phrases and dynamic cadences. Iran must never question our resolve to deliver…speeches.”

While the Bush administration has tried to get allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program, Sen. Obama said he would bring change to American foreign policy by trying to get U.S. allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program.

“It’s a lot different than the Bush approach,” he said, “because in my strategy, there is no Bush.”

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“The era of conservative radio domination is over,” said an anonymous spokesman for the consortium, “Rush Limbaugh is the last of a dying breed, and with Barack Obama in the White House, Americans are ready and eager for a new talk king, or queen, with a liberal perspective.”

The half-billion dollar deal, to be funded largely with taxpayer dollars from NPR and contributions from liberal donors through Air America, is unprecedented in an industry where eight of the top ten talk hosts are conservatives.

“We have nailed down the signing bonus, the term of the contract and the annual amount,” said the spokesman. “All we need now is an entertaining, intellectually-challenging and politically-honest liberal host to whom millions of Americans will love to listen.”

Asked if the potential candidates had been winnowed yet to a “short list” the source said, “We have ruled out any liberal talkers whose ratings don’t register on the meter. So, at this point, we’re looking outside of the broadcasting industry.”

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Under new management by Steve Schmidt, a former political operative for George Bush, the GOP presidential campaign was expected to jettison everyone who has failed to consistently, and effectively communicate the conservative message to voters.

While Sen. McCain’s name reportedly showed up on the “short list” he has apparently weathered the most recent round of cuts.

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Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.

“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”

Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”

“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.”

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