(2009-06-05) — As early as next week, President Barack Obama will reportedly name Kenneth Feinberg to act as a “Special Master for Compensation” for the Treasury Department, ensuring that companies which received federal bailout money comply with executive pay ‘guidelines’.
Later in the month, insiders say the president will appoint Esther Schultz, a retired woman from rural Pennsylvania, to serve as “Special Master of Hallway Traffic” to ensure that employees of bailed-out firms “remain at their desks during work hours, not out wandering the halls and getting into mischief.”
Mrs. Schultz, who for 73 years served as hall monitor at William H. Grimace High School, in Carbondale, got on the president’s short list of potential nominees largely on the strength of her ability to enunciate with authority the crucial question: “And where are you supposed to be, young man?”
“It’s an honor to serve the president and his companies, and to protect the involuntary investment of the American taxpayer,” Mrs. Schultz said. “If workers are out milling around, loitering, or engaging in hallway hijinks, they’re dragging down our return on investment.”
Under the new Obama administration protocol, employees of bailed-out firms will require a hall pass, signed by a supervisor, in order to make trips to the restroom, the water cooler, or to another worker’s cubicle.
“If they don’t have that hall pass,” said Mrs. Schultz, “I’ll take them by the ear, if necessary, and march them straight to the Oval Office. I don’t take no guff from nobody. I’ve been known to walk right into the boy’s room and drag them out. You have to show them who’s the boss.”
14 responses so far ↓
1 mig // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:27 am
Do we have more Czars than Russia yet? Is the new DC Chicago? Enquiring minds want to know… what's the salary of a Chicago Czar?
I read something that I can't remember who to give credit to but it was something like this: A reversal – chinese are buying companies and the American Government is confiscating them.
Actually I can't believe that this is happening and that the media is so complacent. I am not surprised but this is just glaringly hypocritical. Even the obama voters have to see what a freak they voted for. I hope the have nightmares everynight that replay them voting for this guy.
2 camojack // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:27 am
"Mrs. Schultz, who for 73 years served as hall monitor…"
Wow, that's a l-o-n-g time on the job!
3 gafisher // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:27 am
Those wishing to dump toxic assets will need a bathroom pass.
4 gafisher // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:30 am
A pilot version of this program has been in operation for months. For instance, there's the former CEO who had to write "I, um, uh, well, what I mean is, er, wait a minute" a thousand times on the TelePrompTer.
5 Obama to Appoint Pay Czar Kenneth Feinberg … More Socialism You can Believe In | Scared Monkeys // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:20 am
[...] process of confirmation for these people. So, we will put forth one of our favorite blogs, Scrapple Face, to discuss the newest Obama Czar …the Hall Monitor. Other future Czars … Teleprompter czar, [...]
6 Obama Picks Bailed-Out Firms’ Pay Czar, Hall Monitor | Workers-Comp-Rights.com // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:46 am
[...] which received federal bailout money comply with executive pay ‘guidelines’. View post: Obama Picks Bailed-Out Firms’ Pay Czar, Hall Monitor Share and [...]
7 gafisher // Jun 5, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Reflecting his deep concern for the effects of Global Warming on the world's oceans and weather, President Obama today took the unusual step of appointing himself "czar" both of the world's great bodies of water and of one of the most damaging forms of severe weather.
As an aid to learning, students in all U.S. public schools will henceforth be required to stand at the beginning of classes each day, extend their right arms while facing a picture of President Obama, and recite his new title, "Hail, sea czar."
8 R.A.M. // Jun 5, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Meanwhile Obama is in campaign mode for his new job he is running for, Grand Exalted Poobah of the New World Order.
The Muslims just love him!
9 onlineanalyst // Jun 6, 2009 at 12:08 am
I had heard that boberin is on the short list for Monitor of the Monitors. His responsibilities will include making sure that employees are not engaged in extracurricular computer use on company time.
SaneScrappler, fresh off his role as a Lunch Lady, will sling more hash for the Axelrod Anti-Bush Screeders in order to distract the citizens from the Obama power seizure. He had fierce competition for the post from Olbermann and Matthews, but Rahm Emanuel agreed that the photogenic MSNBC superstars were "better looking."
10 onlineanalyst // Jun 6, 2009 at 12:11 am
It's a good thing (as Martha Stewart was wont to say) that Robert Gibbs is on the job explaining what an Obama administration member "meant" to say. (Joe Biden was not available for comment.)
11 onlineanalyst // Jun 6, 2009 at 12:13 am
Is it all right is I just refer to Obama as the Sultan of Schtick?
12 R.A.M. // Jun 6, 2009 at 6:03 am
OLA: I am sure blabber thinks they mean monitor, like in PC monitor, while HussaneScrappler is more likely to be smoking the hash than he is to slinging it!
13 MajorDomo // Jun 6, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Mig#1: Ain't it so! It's going to take months just to root out all the unnecessary bureaucrats and thugfriends of Obummer once he's gone. Just think of the savings just in salaries alone. Just think of the welcome unemployment problem for Obummercrats!
14 onlineanalyst // Jun 7, 2009 at 12:18 am
Are you kidding? Obamao is "saving or creating jobs" as he expands the federal government. The lad is creating bureaucratic red tape in everything that he touches.
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