(2009-01-13) — As news broke that Barack Obama reportedly plans to issue an executive order on his first day in office closing the U.S. terrorist detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Democrat governors across the country lobbied Mr. Obama for the privilege of welcoming the remaining 248 former enemy combatants as residents of their states.
As word of the planned shuttering of “Gitmo” leaked from Obama transition team officials through reliable anonymous sources to The New York Times, phones in the Office of the President-Elect began to ring, with one governor after another offering increasingly sweeter deals to woo released detainees.
“Gitmo is the great civil rights tragedy of our time,” said one unnamed source familiar with transition team thinking. “Naturally, Democrat governors feel compassion on these men — unjustly imprisoned, held without bail or trial, and all because of a war that George Bush started because he hates Muslims and wants more oil for his buddies in the petroleum business. What governor wouldn’t want to be part of this humanitarian rescue? It’s an honor to give them their first taste of freedom.”
Insiders said nearly all Democrat governors have checked in, vying for their “fair share” of Gitmo detainees with offers of government jobs, usually in the state capitol, Medicaid coverage, and low-interest mortgage loans or even HUD Section 8 vouchers to cover the cost of renting a new home in a nice suburban neighborhood. Some have sweetened the deal with small business loans or grants, and cheap rent in “business incubators” allowing the former the enemy combatants to return to their former trades. Others offered to help these deeply-religious men to construct new places of worship, and to use government-owned public address systems to issue their calls to prayer five times daily.
“The governors see an opportunity to right a grievous wrong perpetrated by America,” said the source, “and at the same time they’re eager to make their home states, and the ranks of state employees, more diverse. They see President-elect Obama as the second Great Emancipator and they want to secure their places in history alongside of him.”
28 responses so far ↓
1 Democrats Lobby For Gitmo Detainees « Spieler // Jan 13, 2009 at 7:59 am
[...] Scrappleface Posted at 11:59 am by Marc [...]
2 Gitmo Closing, States Vie to Woo Inmates as Residents — Claude Betancourt's Political Blog // Jan 13, 2009 at 8:01 am
[...] Scrappleface.com Insiders said nearly all Democrat governors have checked in, vying for their “fair share†of [...]
3 gafisher // Jan 13, 2009 at 8:31 am
I don’t know about the other Democrat Governors, but Michigan’s Generous Jenny Granholm was hopping mad to discover over half of the detainees have already been offered State Department appointments.
4 RedPepper // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:05 am
Reparations!
5 Hawkeye // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:14 am
Funny how the NY Times has been helping Obamalama ratchet down the expectations lately. To paraphrase… “it could take longer than first thought to close Gitmo”, or “because of the economy, Obama might have to delay some of his promises”, …”yada, yada, yada”.
6 Hawkeye // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:17 am
BTW, great stuff as usual Scott
wv = Nutbourne ladies — Code Pink?
7 mig // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:31 am
Fannie and Freddie might be able to accomodate that crowd. They seem to speak the same language.
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
8 mig // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:51 am
Fannie and Freddie will be overjoyed to add the Gitmo Group to the list, they all speak the same language…
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
9 mig // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:52 am
Fannie and Freddie can add the Gitmo Group to the party list, they all speak the same language.
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
The more you give, the more they get;
The more they get,the more they complain;
The more they complain, the more you give;
10 boberinyetagain // Jan 13, 2009 at 10:20 am
Funny (or is it?) stuff Scott!
11 Left Coast-Right Mind // Jan 13, 2009 at 11:40 am
Hopefully, the States that are ahead in the running, for who gets to be the new home for these animals, are Nos. 51 – 57 (since we don’t have names for them yet).
In any case, be prepared for the day Gitmo closes. Coming soon to a neighborhood near you, ‘Extreme Makeover: Jihad Edition”.
12 RepublicanAttackMachine // Jan 13, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Move them into the White House with Obummer’s mom-in-law. There’s plenty of room, and it might be nice to reunite Obummer with some of his old friends?
13 RepublicanAttackMachine // Jan 13, 2009 at 12:36 pm
LC-RM, State #51 has a name already, (Washington, D.C.), it’s just not actually become one YET.
It would make a lovely place for the terrorists though. They would fit right in with all the other non-English speaking cabbies, and deli owners!
Although, they may not last long. The street thugs in D.C. are much tougher!
14 Ms RightWing, Ink // Jan 13, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Scott, when did you give up satire and start writing hard news. Shame, shame, you are going to give the Old Grey Lady a run for her money.
15 MajorDomo // Jan 13, 2009 at 1:16 pm
RAM: 51 states? Obummer said we had 57 states. Or maybe Mr. empty-suit was referring to ketchup.
It seems that the same “reliable anonymous sources” have leaked that there is federal grant money (millions) available to governors who take these war criminals in. After all they have to provide increased security for themselves. And should they relocate near any “gay” politicians they will need greatly increased scrutiny, 24/7.
16 Stand In Line | Neptunus Lex // Jan 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm
[...] Scott Ott assures us, they’ll probably be very welcome: As news broke that Barack Obama reportedly plans to issue an executive order on his first day in [...]
17 Left Coast-Right Mind // Jan 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm
RAM: But Washington D.C. is a tiny State, compared to Texas or California, it doesn’t pose a serious threat…oh wait.
Not sure you want to release a bunch of terrorists in D.C. since the goons on Capitol Hill hate competition. After all, what islamofascists around the globe are trying to do to the US of A with high explosives, Senators and Representatives are already doing with word processors and fountain pens.
Postmaster Cyrus: Can the ‘Hannah Montana’ stamp be far behind?
18 Just Ranting // Jan 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I’m embarassed to say that the theme song from “The Jefferson’s” has been going through my head lately, and I can’t seem to make it stop. I always thought that show was racist and refused to watch it. Actually, I think it made all races look bad in much the way “Chico and the Man” played to the sterotypes about hispanics. These shows were supposed to be ground breaking in their day. I think they only served to divide people more. “Movin’ on up…” isn’t much good if we’re not movin’ together in the right direction.
19 Michelle Malkin » 61 // Jan 13, 2009 at 6:42 pm
[...] timely Scrappleface spoof: Gitmo Closing, States Vie to Woo Inmates as Residents Posted in: Gitmo Send to a Friend Printer Friendly comments (6) trackbacks [...]
20 Lets close gitmo! Only 61 of the previously held returned to terrorism! | Fire Andrea Mitchell! // Jan 13, 2009 at 7:39 pm
[...] Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell said 18 former detainees are confirmed and 43 suspected of “retur… [...]
21 baragirl // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Scott ,could you please put a stamp”This is Funny”or “This is Serious” across the top of your delightfully snarkastic Satire? bober seems to be having a problem,and we want to give him all the help we can.He has gone from Troll to trol,and just a few more prayers and a little more love may just do the trick.
prettyold
22 baragirl // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Just Ranting#18 , I agree about those shows you mention,but I never felt that way about Sanford and Son. I don’t know why.I don’t really know who wrote those shows ,but think white guys wrote the two you mention and I think Redd Foxx may have had a lot to do with the writing on S&S
23 baragirl // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:19 pm
RAM #12 If B HO ’s Mother-in law is as mean -tempered as Michelle ,those “terrorists”will soon be sitting quietly with their hands folded in thie laps ,nodding and saying ,”Yes Ma’am,No Ma’am.”
They’ll be digging out their cell phones ,pleading “Please take us back to GitMo?”
24 baragirl // Jan 13, 2009 at 9:21 pm
OK ,mig. I’ve got the words ,what is the tune?
25 RepublicanAttackMachine // Jan 14, 2009 at 2:16 am
baragirl/Prettyold re#23, That’s funny, –if not true!
Reminds me of the “Andy Griffith Show” episode where Otis the drunk was made to stay with “Bloody Mary”, (Aunt Bee) at Andy’s house because the jail was full.
Otis said he never wanted to come back to “The Rock” again, and was going straight.
26 Scrappleface: « Blog Entry « Dr. Melissa Clouthier // Jan 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm
[...] Democrat State Governors Open Doors Gitmo residents welcomed by Dem Governors [...]
27 gafisher // Jan 15, 2009 at 3:32 pm
“As news broke that Barack Obama reportedly plans to issue an executive order on his first day in office closing the U.S. terrorist detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba …”
As usual for the MSM, it turns out the facts don’t support the headline. A few sentences into the article we read what’s really planned:
In other words, Obama plans to vote “Present” on this one.
28 You Can’t Make This Stuff Up | Neptunus Lex // Jan 22, 2009 at 11:19 am
[...] Earlier in the month, Scott Ott wrote a piece of satire on his Scrappleface site, saying that public officials were lining up to import Guantanamo terrorists. [...]
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