(2007-04-12) — Only hours after news broke of the death of novelist Kurt Vonnegut at age 84, a draft of a funeral speech he allegedly wrote just after passing began circulating on the internet despite clear indications that it is a hoax.
It’s the second time Mr. Vonnegut received credit for something he didn’t write. A 1997 essay by Chicago Tribune writer Mary Schmich, called “Wear Sunscreen,” was believed by many to have been a Vonnegut graduation speech at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).
According to several urban legend debunking sites, the latest hoax is clearly a plagiarized and altered version of the Mary Schmich piece.
Here’s an excerpt of the fake Vonnegut funeral address…
Ladies and gentlemen who are still alive:
Where’s the sunscreen?
If I could offer you only one tip for life after death, get something to protect you from the brilliant light and the searing heat. But as a lifelong secular humanist, the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own initial postmortem experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Ignore the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You won’t understand the ultimate futility of the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded, and you discover that they garnered for you nothing of lasting importance. But trust me, in the light of eternity, you’ll look back and wonder why you spent so much time primping, preening and worrying about your appearance. Your girth does not affect your worth.
Don’t worry about the future. Better yet, turn over your worries to someone who actually knows something about the future, and who controls its course. Worry only if you don’t know who that is.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Start with reading the Bible.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t be so careful with your own that you fail to invest it in something that pays eternal dividends.
Floss.
But you can stop flossing a couple of weeks before your funeral. When you’re in the box, folks don’t usually see your teeth.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race ends quickly, and you’re not measured against other runners anyway, but against a standard of excellence only one man ever attained.
Forget the compliments you receive. Forget the insults too. Human opinion holds only fleeting pleasure and pain.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Better yet, throw it all away and immerse yourself in the one magnificent love letter that holds immeasurable treasure.
48 responses so far ↓
1 Scott Ott // Apr 12, 2007 at 9:58 am
Vonnegut ‘Sunscreen’ Funeral Speech Branded Hoax…
by Scott Ott(2007-04-12) — Only hours after news broke of the death of novelist Kurt Vonnegut at age 84, a draft of a funeral speech he allegedly wrote just after passing began circulating on the internet despite clear indications that it is a……
2 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:03 am
God Bless America
3 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:04 am
One of my all-time favorite authors. I am saddened.
4 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:14 am
R.C. Sproul…..another one of my favorite people!
5 boberinyetagain // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:15 am
Jameson…watch out. This story prompted me to visit because he was my all time favorite author hands down!
I miss him already,have read and re-read his works time and again the latest being 3 weeks back, Sirens of Titan, his vision if uniting mankind, a beautiful thing!
Sheesh….get a grip boberin!
6 tomg // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:31 am
Cat’s Cradle – for the description of the worthless island and its lack of government, and of the sea as ice nine took over. OK, as an engineer I loved Player Piano – gotta build stuff, you know!
7 woodnwheel // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:51 am
Yes! I managed to get into the top 10 posters again!
Scott: Thanks for this. A friend shared the original “Wear Sunscreen” with me many years ago, and it came to mind again just recently (last week if I remember correctly, so clearly long before Vonnegut was back in the news). Unfortunately, at the time it came back to mind, I could only remember that it was an “advice” column having to do with graduation. Now I know who the real author is (and have a link to the original). But not only that, I have a much better second version!
8 Ms RightWing, Ink // Apr 12, 2007 at 10:58 am
Crap, this is my second writing since my backspace key tends to eat everything.
Kurt Vonnegut was a man who lived in hatred and contempt towards leaders of democracy, though he rubbed his hands with glee when the allied forces bombed Dresden.
His novels were poplar because they said the things my generation wanted to hear. I read all of his stuff in my–pre-Carter days–and had the original vinyl soundtrack to Slaughter House Five long before I saw the movie. Loved the music, disliked the movie.
His contempt for life ate his insides out and he nearly died from suicide in 1984, which later he claimed he botched.
Vonnegut, the news said, died from complications from a fall. Likely he lunged at his TV when a picture of President Bush appeared on the news.
Now the man is dead. This time the grim reaper didn’t let Kurt botch the job. I wonder what kind of peace novel he would write as ol’
Beelzebub, Hitler and Hussein, would be there helping him to pen the book
9 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 11:28 am
I never read any of the guy’s work myself, and after reading the review at Power Line I’m not planning to.
10 boberinyetagain // Apr 12, 2007 at 11:32 am
You dissapoint me MsRight but I’m guessing that this fact makes you nearly as happy as Kurt’s death.
Good for you!
11 boberinyetagain // Apr 12, 2007 at 11:34 am
Good plan Shelly!
Ignore that with which you don’t agree (even if you aren’t sure that you don’t agree, someone told you that you wouldn’t and that’s good enough for you),
that will make everything ok
If you can’t ignore it then kill it, that works too
12 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 11:50 am
Puff, puff, huff, huff…whew. Slow down Scott. I’m working out on the treadmill, but I can’t seem to keep up with you!
I have never read any of Vonnegut’s books and I’ve never seen his movies and I don’t care about his politics. Makes me no nevermind. What I do care about and what makes me sad, is the condition of his soul. I bawled my eyes out when John Lennon died, not because I had lost an icon, but because the man truely thought that his song, “Imagine”, could be made a reality and on the day he died and came face to face with God, he found out the real truth – That there really is a Heaven and a Hell – And that there really is earth and sky – And that there really are people who are so separated from God that there will be no peace between men on earth, except the perception of such under the oppression of a world dictator. I cried because Lennon never figured out that what he envisioned can only be achieved in Christ, not through man’s efforts. I hate to think that anyone has to find out the truth in eternity. And so I weep for Mr. Vonnegut as well. So Sad.
13 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 11:57 am
Speaking of the Twilight Zone…can someone please reassure me that I am not in it and that I am not crazy!! I know that it has been 7 years since the year 2000 and I know that it has been 3 years since 2004, but I don’t think I am getting so old that I have no memory. Please tell me that I didn’t dream Al Gore claiming that the election had been stolen and that the Republicans had “disenfrancised” voters, to the tune of months of court challenges. And please tell me that I didn’t dream up John Kerry saying that voters had been disenfranchised in Ohio and therefore the election was stolen from him due to voter fraud. Didn’t that happen? And didn’t the Republicans initiate investigations to prove to the contrary?
Please read this New York Times article and tell me that you don’t feel like you are in the Twilight Zone too!
14 Harry Daschle // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Indianapolis was planning a big old celebration for Vonnegut this year since he was from here.
Will he still show up?
Probably not.
Story at: http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070412/LOCAL/704120576
15 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Anybody remember Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five?
Talk about a weird novel and even weirder flick. The guy must have done his share of acid.
16 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:13 pm
boberin, I read don’t base my reading on politics, and never fail to read a book by Tammy Bruce, a Democrat. I don’t however run to anything thus described:
“From an adult perspective, one can see that the novels are full of cheap irony, insufferable sentimentality, paper thin characters, and forgettable plots. If Vonnegut’s novels have made it into the high school curriculum, as Dinitia Smith states in today’s New York Times obituary, pity the poor high school student who thinks that this is what literature is all about.”
The idea that any conservative can avoid left-wing news in this country is preposterous.
17 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:27 pm
c-a-ts, don’t worry, you’re not in the Twilight Zone, just New York Times land. Imagine how the Duke lacrosse players felt reading about their unquestionable guilt in that same paper.
18 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Personally, I only read (past tense) Vonnegut’s books for his dry humor and style.
I am an avid Power Line reader (and sometime commenter) but I must say that I totally disagree with Scott Johnson’s subjective portrait of Vonnegut and his books.
19 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Ignore that with which you don’t agree (even if you aren’t sure that you don’t agree, someone told you that you wouldn’t and that’s good enough for you),
that will make everything ok
Speaking from experience, bober? You do it all the time, you get locked into your liberal media echo chamber and won’t listen to any other contrary point of view we may provide which undercuts the lamestream media narrative. Tsk, tsk … physician, HEAL THYSELF!
20 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Rather convenient that the security scanner at the Iraqi parliament building was inoperable today, wouldn’t you say?
21 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Well said, Shelly. Americans are so steeped in the left-wing spin on the news NOBODY can get away from it, not even conservatives. It’s the liberals who ignore contrary facts and news angles that the lamestream media often refuses to publish. Sometimes its not so much how the lamestream media spins the news (which it does with surprising alacrity) but rather what stories, sources and experts it chooses to ignore. I get sick and tired of the lamestream media consulting with three or four liberal “experts” to advance the storyline and then at the end of a story cite only one conservative “expert” who disagrees.
It’s really disengenuous of lefties to accuse us conservatives of ignoring media stories when we are constantly assaulted by the lamestream media propaganda machine 24/7. Like you said, you can’t escape it. Any fair-minded person with a healthy dose of skepiticism will have any number of alarms going off when the left-wing media monopoly begins spinning its biased narrative on just about any political issue that has faced this country since Clinton got in office.
After seeking alternative news sources, it becomes rather easy to identify and deconstruct the spin of the liberal media. Conservatives seem to have a far better handle on what is real and what is mere media perception. Liberals seem completely blind to their own self-imposed ignorance which is further highlighted when they laughingly claim there is no liberal media bias! Not to say conservatives get it right one hundred percent of the time, but the liberal media itself has littered the information highway with any number of its own scandals from the fraudulent Bush TANG memos to the Plame/Wilson kerfuffle, and now the Duke lacrosse “rape” case.
22 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Darth, don’t forget the almost daily attacks by Islamofacists that go ignored, the increasingly overwhelming evidence that “global warming” is the latest environmental hoax, and their inability to determine between embryonic, adult, and cord blood stem bells – and that only the last two have been used successfully by medical researchers.
23 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Darthmeister and Shelly: You mean that you two don’t stand there with your fingers in your ears, chanting, “La La La La La La La”? Huh. Maybe I should stop doing that?
24 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Did the Twilight Zone eat my post?
25 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 1:58 pm
I stand corrected … let my remarks be amended in the record, Ms. Speaker!
c.a.t., I used to listen to the lamestream media for comic relief but its gotten so bad now it’s like listening to Don Rickles tired jokes for the tenth time. Other than sports box scores, the news media’s bias is so palpable I could … well, let’s put it this way, I’ve yet to shoot my television set but I’ve come awfully close! I’m a little more restrained now that I’ve invested in an 1080i HD widescreen set.
Flopping Aces does an excellent job fisking the Duke faux rape media circus. Liberal kangaroo courts always prove to be hazardous to the truth. Pathetic despots and manipulators of public opinion.
26 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Oh. There it is. I must have had my fingers in my ears!
27 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 2:03 pm
c-a-t and darth, I immediately turn off my TV now if Charlie Rangle is going to speak out loud. The last time I watched him on Cavuto or Gibson my TV and I nearly suffered a strike and stroke, respectively. He basically said that none of our troops want to be in Iraq, because given the choice of being in combat or comfortable at home they would all choose the latter. So, if anything, I underreacted.
28 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Rangle is, at best, a pathetic excuse for a humanoid.
The thought occurred to me yesterday that, if I were in the military, fighting is what I would prefer to be doing, especially considering I would be a volunteer and that’s what soldiers do–fight–isn’t it?
I volunteered back in ‘67 as a 17¼-year old juvenile delinquent, but that’s a different story–one I may tell someday. Or not.
29 Ms RightWing, Ink // Apr 12, 2007 at 3:16 pm
boberinyetagain
re:10
I am no more happier today since I heard the news of Kurt’s death early this morning. Much like conserve-a-tips, if anything I am saddened that a man such as him dragged all of his hatred and bitterness to the grave. Bad idea.
Even as I watch Pelosi rock the foundations of our great country to the ground by planting seeds of discontent everywhere, I cannot burn with hatred as he did toward Bush (and others).
This day many have died also. Likely we know very few of them. My neighbor died yesterday at a ripe old age of 91. She knew and trusted God. My aunt died two days ago. Where her faith was, I know not but with her I leave many happy memories of past days on their farm in Iowa. I often envied her because she was both beautiful and a farmer’s wife.
So life, much like the tides of the ocean comes in and soon returns back to the sea. When the tide comes in it leaves new life, but as it withdraws, it takes life with it.
By the end of the week his life will be nothing more than a tombstone engraved with his name. His legacy will remain nothing more than an argument whether he was great or a raving mad man.
30 RedPepper // Apr 12, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Shelly #27: I have much the same reaction when a TV program brings on al-Sharpton. All I can say is … hey, make lemonade! I take the opportunity to see what’s on the other channels; listen to music, read a book, prepare food … and, of course, I can always play on the computer!
31 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I don’t believe it! The weather just came on and announced that we may have snow tomorrow night! Snow in Oklahoma in April!!! Who’d believe it? On Friday the 13th no less. Where’s Al Gore?
It’s like God is trying to prove to the man, “Where were YOU when I formed the earth? Who do you think YOU are, thinking that you have any control over the weather?” I can hear him chuckling.
32 Ms RightWing, Ink // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:10 pm
We too, in Ohio, are forecasting snow.
33 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:10 pm
MsRightwing, Ink: Your post touched my heart. It was beautiful. Thank you .
34 Shelly // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:19 pm
c-a-t and Mrs. RW, sorry to hear Old Man Global Warming, er, I mean Winter, is lousing up your spring. I know that major league baseball is also dealing with it. And I have no doubt that God is amusing Himself at the Goracle’s expense.
Speaking of God and amusing, the hubby and I recently rented “Thou Shalt Laugh.” If you get a chance to do so, I strongly encourage it. It’s a show featuring seven Christian comedians hosted by Patricia Heaton, and it is fantastic.
35 woodnwheel // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Ok, not to hijack the thread, but since this is the one most recently commented on (and since RedPepper mentioned his name in post #30): Sharpton is going to be hailed as a hero now that Imus has been fired by CBS. What a world we live in today.
Now pardon me while I go curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.
36 woodnwheel // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Shelly: Thanks for the recommendation re. Thou Shalt Laugh. I heard about it recently, but haven’t yet had a chance to see it myself.
37 JamesonLewis3rd // Apr 12, 2007 at 4:34 pm
I still think Pelosi and Reid should resign immediately.
38 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Prosecutor Nifong is your typical left-wing despot who abused his power by overreaching in a case which had absolutely no evidence whatsoever other than the mere words of an accuser who changed her story no less than three times. Then it turns out the moron never even interviewed the witness until nine months after making her false accusations! I still remember the day when he engaged in inflammatory rhetoric by publicly accusing the three Duke students of being “hooligans.”
Normally I’m not a big fan of suing people, but this is such a flagrant case of malfeasance and unprofessional behavior on the part of a prosecutor, if it were my kid I’d sue Nifong right to debtors prison and beyond. I hope he gets jail time for his unethical abuse of office.
BTW, Nifong’s empty apology to the three Duke students is little more than an attempt to escape responsibility for his criminal actions. And it’s just like a liberal Democrat to try and weasel his way out of responsibility for such patently corrupt practices. William Jefferson and Harry Reid come to mind, too.
39 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 5:21 pm
c.a.t.,
This whole weather thing is pretty eerie. I think we all remember after the 2005 hurricane season how all the Global Warming cult members were marching around in their sandwich boards screaming at the top of their lungs how hurricane seasons are only going to get worse and worse and worse because average temperatures have risen 1.5 degrees in one century. And then right on cue not a single hurricane hit America in 2006 after there were predictions of at least eight category three or above hurricanes hitting the Gulf Coast and the Eastern Seaboard! Buwahahahaha. It has to be divine intervention!
And now this incredible string of freezing temperatures in April. Sure we often got the occasional snow or a couple of below freezing days in April in years past, but not ten freakin’ days in a row! And snow in Oklahomer in April? Yowza!
Of course the true believers will say this is all predicted in their
Global WarmingGlobal Climate Change model! Which goes to prove its all a bunch of hogwash because their GW theory can’t possibly be falsifiable since it can be tweaked to account for anything … including meteor strikes I suppose!BTW, on another blogsite camojack posted this impressive CO2 study which drives a stake right into one of the cherished dogmas of Global Warmism.
40 conserve-a-tips // Apr 12, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Darthmeister, it brings to mind back in my science class in high school when we learned that we were looking at an ice age and freezing temperatures with food shortages and the works. And here…30 years later…it has been steadily warming according to AlGore.
I wonder if he understands that warming would be preferable to cooling because at least with warm temperatures we can actually produce more food and people in the polar regions would live the life of Riley (notice not O’Reilly).
It also reminds me of all of the scare tactics used in the 70’s regarding population and animal extinction. I was scared to death that animal species would become extinct and THEN where would we be? It never dawned on my skull full of mush that the Dodo bird had been extinct since the 1800’s and mankind had survived. It never crossed my mind that the dinosaurs were extinct and mankind had flourished. Don’t you just love the “sky is falling!” mentality and how we react before we think???
41 Beerme // Apr 12, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Vonnegut, much like the rest of the literati of his generation, was mired in the values of socialism. He kept his beliefs until the end, sadly. I agree with MsRW’s post #8, except for the glee involving Dresden. His entire anti-war position was based on the horror he felt at that necessary destruction of human life.
Say what you will about his many failings-and they were many, not the least of which was his mental instability-he was a great writer. “Slaughterhouse Five” was and is a great American novel. It is a standard in High School literature classes and, I might add, college literature classes.
When I saw this post, I thought Scott would play on the “unstuck in time” theme and was a bit disappointed.
42 camojack // Apr 12, 2007 at 7:31 pm
“Do one thing every day that scares you. Start with reading the Bible.”
Coincidentally, although I’ve read many excerpts through the years, I recently started doing just that…from the beginning. Some of the rituals required of the early Israelites are kind of weird. And messy, too…
43 Darthmeister // Apr 12, 2007 at 9:17 pm
I wonder if white liberals, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would have been just as outraged if Imus had called Condoleeza Rice a “nappy-headed ho”? I get the feeling they would have applauded.
44 R.A.M. // Apr 13, 2007 at 6:28 am
Al Gore has just added to his Congressional testimony.
Some generic ‘butt kissing’, lib Senator: “Mr. Gore, Do you wish to amend your testimony before this august body?”
Al “Pants on Fire” Gore: “Yes, a few words after, [”The planet has a feeeeeeee-ver—-”
Please add, “which has now turned into the flu, and now the planet has aches, chills, and a runny nose!”
Some generic ‘butt kissing’, lib Senator: “Very well put Professor Gore!”
45 ref // Apr 13, 2007 at 8:44 am
The Planet has a fever! and the only prescription…is more cowbell.
46 ref // Apr 13, 2007 at 8:58 am
CAT Re: #14
Thank you for writing that. I have held a similar view of true liberal idealists for a while now.
True liberal idealists are difficult to find these days since the liberals that we actually SEE are the ones with a political agenda bent on the destruction of the world’s last best hope of personal liberty.
47 Pros and Cons » Cultural Currents // Apr 13, 2007 at 5:34 pm
[...] I suppose it is inevitable that the intelligentsia continues in it’s habit of taking obvious insights as something earth-changing. The comparisons to Mark Twain are as common as they are exaggerated. Twain belongs to the ages. He’s wise. Vonnegut … not so much. More a smart*ss than a seer, but he seemed a nice enough fellow to be with, and there are many who mourn him deeply, I am sure. I wish him well in the herafter, but he won’t be taking up much space on the libraries of my progeny. I share many of Vonnegut’s tendencies, which is probably why I admire folks with the guts to stand up and be counted. one has contempt largely for one’s own sins, no? [...]
48 Terry_Jim // Apr 14, 2007 at 11:30 pm
MSNBC, CBS Radio unable to report the death of 76 year old “Tiny Bubbles” Singer Don H-
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/OBIT_HO?SITE=MIPON&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT
In the wake of the Don Imus incident, MSNBC and CBS Radio are limited to reporting the first name only of the famous Hawaiian balladeer who was an island mainstay for over 40 years.
Family members found it ironic that their surname was added to the list of words ‘you can’t say on the radio’
only days before Mr.H-’s death, but did not blame the two networks for the death of the singer.
In other news, The Peoples Republic of Viet Nam has chosen to rename its capital, Pimp Chi Minh City.
Terry_JIm
http://www.thelazyhalfsranch.blogger.com
You must log in to post a comment.