“There are still a lot of voters out there who have not made up their minds,” the generic Republican said. “We need to reach them with my vague, yet hopeful, message that makes them feel good about themselves and their country for no particular reason. Most importantly, they need to know that electing me would be a smaller mistake than electing the other guy.”

The candidate, a former businessman, attorney or blue-collar worker, who overcame a hardscrabble childhood to graduate in the middle of his class from a state university, said his strategy of tying his opponent to Obama, Pelosi and Reid, has forced the generic Democrat to distance himself from his own party.

“He’s running away from their record,” the Republican said. “And we’re running on our record of pointing out the failed policies of Obama, Pelosi and Reid…and on our proven approach of repeating the names Obama, Pelosi and Reid every time we talk about my opponent, who is just like Obama, Pelosi and Reid.”

Explaining his plain-speaking, principled approach to campaigning, the generic Republican noted: “I just say what I mean, and mean what I say. People want to know what you stand for, because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. And I stand for something. You know what I mean? That’s what I’m saying.”
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The question dogged the chief executive during a rare vacation day, as he stepped off a schooner with his family, in the wake of a new Time magazine survey that shows an increasing number of Independent voters thinks he’s Islamic, despite that fact that he’s a Christian currently between churches.

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “Our Constitution, as of this moment, is still the supreme law of the land. So, as an American citizen, I’m free to seek spiritual counsel from whomever I please. Whether I’ve asked for a fatwa or not, is between me and my mufti.”

Simultaneously, in the White House press room, spokesman Robert Gibbs said one out of four Americans are wrong about Mr. Obama’s religious faith.

“The president of the United of States, who meets all of the Constitutional requirements of the presidency, is not a Muslim,” said Mr. Gibbs, adding, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Muslim. As he said at the Ramadan dinner, we don’t discriminate on the basis of religion, so every American has a right to build a mosque in Lower Manhattan as long you comply with local zoning laws. Not that he has an opinion on the Ground Zero mosque either.”
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“The president knows that Americans won’t vacation on the Gulf Coast or eat the shrimp until they see him do it,” said the unnamed White House official. “Likewise, businesses and individuals skittish about the economy would gain confidence if they saw the president actually immersed in it along with them. They need to hear him say, ‘I told you this was a disaster, but now it’s okay. Look, I’m jumping in…canonball!’”

If he moves forward with the plan, President Obama would reduce his salary to the level of the average American worker, and begin paying his rent, groceries, fuel and other household expenses from that paycheck. The Obama daughters would be withdrawn from their pricey private school and enrolled in the D.C. public school system where fully 50 percent of students graduate — giving the Obamas a pretty good chance of seeing either Sasha or Malia in a cap and gown some day. Mr. Obama’s guaranteed-for-life pension would be replaced by a voluntary IRA or 401(k), invested in mutual funds.

“He wants to pump his own gas and see that meter thing whirling about,” the anonymous source said. “He and Michelle would also go shopping with the kids, and find out just how much arugula a family consumes when you know how much it costs, and you have to choose between that and gas for the mower.”

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“Most people don’t understand all of the good that these union members do,” said Rep. Pelosi. “These people make the phone calls, give the money, do the door-to-door work because they have a personal financial stake in the reelection of Democrats. You can’t get that kind of commitment out of mere volunteers. Without them, Democrats might lose their majority in Congress, as well as in many state legislatures.”

The Speaker said that once the American people understand the return they get for their investment in big public-sector unions like the National Education Association and the American Federation of Teachers, “the only complaint they’ll have is ‘Why didn’t you give them $52 billion?’”

“It’s a quid pro quo arrangement,” Rep. Pelosi explained. “The public-sector unions make sure we get elected, and we make sure they get ever-increasing salaries, and sweet guaranteed pension deals for life, no matter what the economy does. It’s a classic win-win situation.”

The California lawmaker added that “the genius of our Founding Fathers was to establish this relationship whereby we the people of the Democrat Party are sovereign, and we negotiate mutually-beneficial collective bargaining agreements with our union supporters. It’s a system of checks and balances that protects us all from the tyranny of the public.”

Ms. Romer said that in September, she’ll return to her job as economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley — a job saved by Mr. Obama himself.

“My saved job represents another ray of hope in this summer of recovery,” said Ms. Romer, “and it’s frankly a more compelling narrative than the cold statistics about unemployment at 9.5 percent, or the data that shows we overestimated payrolls by 97,000 workers in May and June.”

In the coming days and weeks, a spokesman said, the White House expects to save or create more jobs with this technique.

The organization’s associates, scattered around the global, reportedly work for low pay, in a hostile environment under the constant threat of sudden termination.

One White House source said the president is “moved with compassion for the plight of front-line Qaeda staff, who labor in abysmal conditions until their often-untimely demise — typically from exposure to hazardous materials at work.”

“They’re treated like parts in a massive machine,” said the unnamed Obama adviser. “They’re disposable.”

Republicans in Congress ordinarily resist government efforts to increase unionization. However, sources close to House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-OH, indicate the GOP may actually support this presidential initiative.

“If you consider what unionization has done to American industry, and is doing to our own city, state and federal governments,” said an unnamed Boehner aide, “we can only hope that collective bargaining will have the same effect on the jihadis.”

Under the terms of the agreement, Rep. Rangel, who claims he’s done nothing but serve the people over the past 40 years, will be restored to the chairmanship of the powerful Ways and Means Committee in return for a ‘very sincere promise’ to be more subtle in the future about misappropriation of tax-payer dollars.

“Charlies sin wasn’t his failure to report tens of thousands of dollars in rental income, or using a government-subsidized apartment for his personal office, or using Congressional stationery to raise money for his own foundation, or any of the other charges,” said a House colleague. “I mean who among us hasn’t done something like that? No, Charlie’s real crime was clumsiness — like our old friend Sandy Berger’s sloppiness with national security documents.”

The unnamed House member added that Congress doesn’t demand much of its members “in exchange for a job that lets you parade around preening like the Prince of Porkingham palace. A little discretion is all we ask.”

The move comes just a day after a federal judge, at the president’s request, overturned parts of Arizona’s effort to enforce federal immigration law, including requirements on law enforcers to establish immigration status of alleged perpetrators, and on immigrants to carry documents to verify that status.

Mr. Obama said that the process, which critics defend as a way to prevent dangerous people from getting close to the president and his staff, is merely another form of discrimination.

“I inherited from my predecessor this terrible system” said President Obama. “Just to get into this place you have to provide a valid social security number, drivers license, submit to a background check, have your car searched, empty your pockets, get wanded…it’s dehumanizing.”

“In other words,” the president said, “before today, if you wanted to get into the White House, you automatically fit the profile, and federal agents would harass you like a criminal. Today I throw open the doors of the White House to people of all nations, and all creeds. Let freedom ring.”

Judge Susan Bolton Wednesday halted Arizona’s implementation of S.B. 1070 provisions that…
1) required police to determine the immigration status of persons detained for other crimes where a reasonable suspicion exists, and
2) required immigrants to carry identification establishing their status, and
3) prohibited illegal aliens from congregating in public places to solicit employment.

Attorney General Eric Holder, in an exclusive interview with Mexico’s leading daily newspaper, said he understands the concerns of Arizona residents about the dangers of unprotected borders, and will implement the new enforcement plan immediately.

“The major obstacle to immigration enforcement is how to approach suspects without discriminating on the basis of race,” said Mr. Holder. “Under President Obama’s new plan, the Department of Justice will buy a fleet of GM pickup trucks that we’ll use to haul undocumented workers from various gathering places — parking lots, street corners and such. These folks will be hired for the day as federal border-patrol agents and attorneys, and they’ll be given their own GM trucks.”

“Because immigrants don’t need to carry ID to establish their status,” he said, “our federal migrant border-patrol agents will be equipped to generate identification papers for them on the spot, which we’ll then check for authenticity. If everything checks out, the undocumented visitor can be released within minutes to continue his arduous journey.”

The Attorney General added that if a suspect’s new documents are “not in order,” he’ll be provided with an undocumented lawyer who can transport him directly to Judge Susan Bolton’s drive-up service window for swift administration of justice.