EXCERPT FROM PRES. OBAMA SPEECH: Critics “say we are trying to do too much, that we are moving too quickly, and that we all ought to just take a deep breath and scale back our goals,” he said. “These naysayers have short memories. We did not get here by doing what was easy. That is not how a cluster of 13 colonies became the United States of America.” — Obama Says American ‘Spirit’ Can Confront, Resolve Challenges, Bloomberg News.

Mr. President, critics don’t say that. Your supporter Colin Powell says that.

Critics say, not that you’re doing “too much”, but that you’re doing the wrong things. Critics say that you’re …
– interfering in free markets in a way that jeopardizes shareholder value, usurps individual rights and compromises the structural integrity of capitalism.
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“These betrayers of the Islamic Republic admitted that they have coached civilians to fall under the truncheon blows of the Basij militia in an overly dramatic way that reflects poorly on the legally-constituted government,” according to an unnamed spokesman for the Guardian Council. “The traitors revealed the existence of boot camps where radicals learn how to writhe in pain or expel blood from orifices when smitten with ordinary crowd-control tools like bullets, so as to engender sympathy among the naive and uninformed.”

The government source said the confessions, “obtained in polite conversation with leading reformers during extended visits at government-run hospitality units, offer concrete proof that June’s street protests were nothing but carefully-orchestrated efforts by godless anarchists to deprive the people of their right to remain silent.”

The reformers who have confessed to this treachery today released a statement through the official news agency admitting: “We have willfully done all of the things of which we stand accused by the Guardian Council. If we should learn of additional crimes to which we have not yet confessed, we will eagerly acknowledge our complicity in those as well in order to magnify our disgrace.”

“We all have our priorities in life,” said the former Republican vice presidential candidate. “I met so many interesting people during the presidential race and many of them still have the same commitment toward me that they had during the campaign.”

Gov. Palin said she looks forward to “relaxing, fishing, hunting and just generally giving people something to Twitter about.”

“There was no shooting of Neda Soltan,” according to the official Iranian news agency, “Neither did blood pour from her mouth and nostrils as she gazed helplessly skyward. These are lies told by those who would destabilize Iran’s democratically-elected government. Neda lives quite happily, supports the legitimate government of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and simply wants to be left alone.”

The Council added that video footage of other shootings and beatings of unarmed civilians by Basij militia and Republican Guards are “fabrications filmed on the same Hollywood sound stage where they shot the fictitious American moon landings. We command all peace-loving people to avert their eyes from these deceptions, and to embrace the truth we declare.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said President Barack Obama would consider the latest statement by the Guardian Council, and discuss it with his advisers, but would have no comment “until he develops a position on issue that he doesn’t have to clarify later.”

Supporters said the GOP-sponsored ‘Michael Jackson Energy Act’ will clear away a raft of environmental regulations that currently discourage construction of nuclear power plants, and will spark energy independence while reducing emissions of so-called greenhouse gases.

The 1,897-page Michael Jackson Energy bill includes more than a thousand pages of uninformed speculation about the cause of the performer’s death, gossip about the nature of his relationships with various adults and children, along with sweeping statements about his impact on the history of the world.

The bill includes a DVD tribute to Mr. Jackson, as well as dozens of before-and-after photos of his various bouts with cosmetic surgery. In addition, to a full-length foldout ‘Thriller’ poster, the bill contains several pages of language removing government-imposed barriers to the growth of a thriving private-sector nuclear energy industry.

“Although the substantive bipartisan opposition to the House cap-and-trade bill failed to capture the nation’s attention,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-KY, “we’ve learned from our mistakes, and know how to present our alternative legislation in a way that will matter to the mainstream media.”

In minutes, the message began multiplying, and new ScrappleFace Twitter followers cascaded in.

Now you can buy the t-shirt and send a clear message about elected officials who try to limit your freedom. (Available in White, Yellow and Green.)