(2010-09-06) — Buoyed by the success of his other stimulus programs in turning around the once-moribund U.S. economy, President Barack Obama announced today a $50 billion plan to fix up 150,000 miles of highway in order to save jobs and the environment.

The man destined to go down in history as the first ‘green’ president said today he would increase taxes on oil companies to pay for the road construction.

“This stimulus initiative,” the president said, “will put hundreds of collective-bargaining units back on the public payroll, while taking thousands of cars off of the road, due to construction road closings and the higher price of fuel. The end result: more jobs, less global warming. It’s a win-win.”

Due to the anticipated public reception of the Obama roads stimulus, the White House will reportedly announce next week a plan to increase taxes on airline tickets to fund a massive project to ‘re-fluff the clouds’, employing tens of thousands of unionized fluffers.

(2010-08-31) — Even though a new Gallup poll shows a generic Republican Congressional candidate up 10 points over a generic Democrat rival, the non-specific GOP hopeful today cautioned against overconfidence, and urged his ambiguous team of supporters to work hard all the way through election day.

“There are still a lot of voters out there who have not made up their minds,” the generic Republican said. “We need to reach them with my vague, yet hopeful, message that makes them feel good about themselves and their country for no particular reason. Most importantly, they need to know that electing me would be a smaller mistake than electing the other guy.”

The candidate, a former businessman, attorney or blue-collar worker, who overcame a hardscrabble childhood to graduate in the middle of his class from a state university, said his strategy of tying his opponent to Obama, Pelosi and Reid, has forced the generic Democrat to distance himself from his own party.

“He’s running away from their record,” the Republican said. “And we’re running on our record of pointing out the failed policies of Obama, Pelosi and Reid…and on our proven approach of repeating the names Obama, Pelosi and Reid every time we talk about my opponent, who is just like Obama, Pelosi and Reid.”

Explaining his plain-speaking, principled approach to campaigning, the generic Republican noted: “I just say what I mean, and mean what I say. People want to know what you stand for, because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. And I stand for something. You know what I mean? That’s what I’m saying.”
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(2010-08-19) — The White House today refused to comment on reports that President Barack Obama has considered seeking a fatwa — a kind of religious ruling — against the 24 percent of Americans who incorrectly think he’s a Muslim. However, the president did clarify that a fatwa, despite popular misconception, does not necessarily involve a death sentence.

The question dogged the chief executive during a rare vacation day, as he stepped off a schooner with his family, in the wake of a new Time magazine survey that shows an increasing number of Independent voters thinks he’s Islamic, despite that fact that he’s a Christian currently between churches.

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “Our Constitution, as of this moment, is still the supreme law of the land. So, as an American citizen, I’m free to seek spiritual counsel from whomever I please. Whether I’ve asked for a fatwa or not, is between me and my mufti.”

Simultaneously, in the White House press room, spokesman Robert Gibbs said one out of four Americans are wrong about Mr. Obama’s religious faith.

“The president of the United of States, who meets all of the Constitutional requirements of the presidency, is not a Muslim,” said Mr. Gibbs, adding, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Muslim. As he said at the Ramadan dinner, we don’t discriminate on the basis of religion, so every American has a right to build a mosque in Lower Manhattan as long you comply with local zoning laws. Not that he has an opinion on the Ground Zero mosque either.”
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ScrappleFace.com editor Scott Ott guest-hosted Stubborn Facts Radio on Monday (8/16/2010) discussing topics including the Ground Zero mosque, the REAL Gulf disaster, our nasty partisan Founding Fathers, and a celebration of VJ Day and more.

You can listen using the player below, or click the link to go to BlogTalkRadio.com/StubbornFacts.

(2010-08-16) — After very nearly swimming in the Gulf of Mexico this weekend to reassure Americans of its safety following four months of catastrophic government warnings and frightening media reports, President Barack Obama is reportedly considering a plunge in the economy, according to a White House source.

“The president knows that Americans won’t vacation on the Gulf Coast or eat the shrimp until they see him do it,” said the unnamed White House official. “Likewise, businesses and individuals skittish about the economy would gain confidence if they saw the president actually immersed in it along with them. They need to hear him say, ‘I told you this was a disaster, but now it’s okay. Look, I’m jumping in…canonball!’”

If he moves forward with the plan, President Obama would reduce his salary to the level of the average American worker, and begin paying his rent, groceries, fuel and other household expenses from that paycheck. The Obama daughters would be withdrawn from their pricey private school and enrolled in the D.C. public school system where fully 50 percent of students graduate — giving the Obamas a pretty good chance of seeing either Sasha or Malia in a cap and gown some day. Mr. Obama’s guaranteed-for-life pension would be replaced by a voluntary IRA or 401(k), invested in mutual funds.

“He wants to pump his own gas and see that meter thing whirling about,” the anonymous source said. “He and Michelle would also go shopping with the kids, and find out just how much arugula a family consumes when you know how much it costs, and you have to choose between that and gas for the mower.”

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(2010-08-09) — Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, who called the House back into session this week to pass a $26 billion bailout bill to help cash-strapped states pay for 140,000 teachers, said the legislation’s price tag “may sound like a lot of money, but the value of having all of those union members on our Democrat campaign team makes it well worth the investment.”

“Most people don’t understand all of the good that these union members do,” said Rep. Pelosi. “These people make the phone calls, give the money, do the door-to-door work because they have a personal financial stake in the reelection of Democrats. You can’t get that kind of commitment out of mere volunteers. Without them, Democrats might lose their majority in Congress, as well as in many state legislatures.”

The Speaker said that once the American people understand the return they get for their investment in big public-sector unions like the National Education Association and the American Federation of Teachers, “the only complaint they’ll have is ‘Why didn’t you give them $52 billion?’”

“It’s a quid pro quo arrangement,” Rep. Pelosi explained. “The public-sector unions make sure we get elected, and we make sure they get ever-increasing salaries, and sweet guaranteed pension deals for life, no matter what the economy does. It’s a classic win-win situation.”

The California lawmaker added that “the genius of our Founding Fathers was to establish this relationship whereby we the people of the Democrat Party are sovereign, and we negotiate mutually-beneficial collective bargaining agreements with our union supporters. It’s a system of checks and balances that protects us all from the tyranny of the public.”

(2010-06-08) — Christina Romer, head of President Obama’s Council of Economic Advisers, has spent months helping the president to recover the nation from the Bush economic crisis, but today she announced that she’s making the transition from being “an agent of recovery, to a beneficiary of the president’s popular policies.”

Ms. Romer said that in September, she’ll return to her job as economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley — a job saved by Mr. Obama himself.

“My saved job represents another ray of hope in this summer of recovery,” said Ms. Romer, “and it’s frankly a more compelling narrative than the cold statistics about unemployment at 9.5 percent, or the data that shows we overestimated payrolls by 97,000 workers in May and June.”

In the coming days and weeks, a spokesman said, the White House expects to save or create more jobs with this technique.