(2010-07-30) — Hours before his trial was set to begin in the House, veteran Rep. Charles Rangel, D-NY, struck a deal late last night with the House ethics panel which has charged him with 13 violations of Congressional rules and federal law.

Under the terms of the agreement, Rep. Rangel, who claims he’s done nothing but serve the people over the past 40 years, will be restored to the chairmanship of the powerful Ways and Means Committee in return for a ‘very sincere promise’ to be more subtle in the future about misappropriation of tax-payer dollars.

“Charlies sin wasn’t his failure to report tens of thousands of dollars in rental income, or using a government-subsidized apartment for his personal office, or using Congressional stationery to raise money for his own foundation, or any of the other charges,” said a House colleague. “I mean who among us hasn’t done something like that? No, Charlie’s real crime was clumsiness — like our old friend Sandy Berger’s sloppiness with national security documents.”

The unnamed House member added that Congress doesn’t demand much of its members “in exchange for a job that lets you parade around preening like the Prince of Porkingham palace. A little discretion is all we ask.”

(2010-07-29) — Admitting there’s no way to ask a visitor for identification without treating him like a criminal, President Obama today lifted the requirement that Secret Service, military and police personnel assigned to the White House be required to establish a visitor’s threat status before granting admittance.

The move comes just a day after a federal judge, at the president’s request, overturned parts of Arizona’s effort to enforce federal immigration law, including requirements on law enforcers to establish immigration status of alleged perpetrators, and on immigrants to carry documents to verify that status.

Mr. Obama said that the process, which critics defend as a way to prevent dangerous people from getting close to the president and his staff, is merely another form of discrimination.

“I inherited from my predecessor this terrible system” said President Obama. “Just to get into this place you have to provide a valid social security number, drivers license, submit to a background check, have your car searched, empty your pockets, get wanded…it’s dehumanizing.”

“In other words,” the president said, “before today, if you wanted to get into the White House, you automatically fit the profile, and federal agents would harass you like a criminal. Today I throw open the doors of the White House to people of all nations, and all creeds. Let freedom ring.”

(2010-07-29) — Just hours after a federal judge blocked enforcement of several provisions in Arizona’s new immigration law (S.B. 1070), the Obama administration rolled out a new border security plan designed to demonstrate that the federal government is hearing the voice of the people of Arizona.

Judge Susan Bolton Wednesday halted Arizona’s implementation of S.B. 1070 provisions that…
1) required police to determine the immigration status of persons detained for other crimes where a reasonable suspicion exists, and
2) required immigrants to carry identification establishing their status, and
3) prohibited illegal aliens from congregating in public places to solicit employment.

Attorney General Eric Holder, in an exclusive interview with Mexico’s leading daily newspaper, said he understands the concerns of Arizona residents about the dangers of unprotected borders, and will implement the new enforcement plan immediately.

“The major obstacle to immigration enforcement is how to approach suspects without discriminating on the basis of race,” said Mr. Holder. “Under President Obama’s new plan, the Department of Justice will buy a fleet of GM pickup trucks that we’ll use to haul undocumented workers from various gathering places — parking lots, street corners and such. These folks will be hired for the day as federal border-patrol agents and attorneys, and they’ll be given their own GM trucks.”

“Because immigrants don’t need to carry ID to establish their status,” he said, “our federal migrant border-patrol agents will be equipped to generate identification papers for them on the spot, which we’ll then check for authenticity. If everything checks out, the undocumented visitor can be released within minutes to continue his arduous journey.”

The Attorney General added that if a suspect’s new documents are “not in order,” he’ll be provided with an undocumented lawyer who can transport him directly to Judge Susan Bolton’s drive-up service window for swift administration of justice.

(2010-07-27) — Despite upbeat official assessments of the progress of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding plans, scores of documents just released by WikiLeaks reveal a starkly different picture behind the scenes.

The disclosure of “sensitive information” comes just days after WikiLeaks made public 92,000 secret U.S. military documents related to the war in Afghanistan.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said he felt a “moral obligation” to release the Clinton wedding papers, which reportedly cover everything from disagreements over rules of engagement, to specific intel about targeting ‘drones’ on the guest list.

(2010-07-27) — The Obama administration today filed an injunction in federal court which would require an immediate halt to cleanup efforts in the Gulf of Mexico currently under way by the forces of nature.

The move comes as analysts confessed they’re having difficulty finding the millions of gallons which have spilled into the Gulf from a BP Deepwater Horizon well during the past month and a half.

Citing a variety of regulatory violations, including a failure to seek permits or to file paperwork in a timely manner, as well as use of non-approved cleanup techniques and biological dispersants, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) asked the federal judge to issue a cease-and-desist order until the government can complete a study of nature’s remediation efforts.

The study, funded by economic stimulus money in order to create jobs, will determine whether nature’s methodology comports with thousands of pages of federal regulation designed to protect citizens and wildlife from the harm often caused by activities that lack federal government sanction.

“If the oil continues to vanish at this rate without government approval,” said an unnamed EPA spokesman, “the American people face a threat worse than the initial spill: a crisis of confidence that could lead them to follow nature’s example, and to solve problems without waiting for action by the appropriate regulatory agency. I can assure you that nobody in Washington D.C. wants to see that happen.”

(2010-07-08) — The White House today announced a bold new program consistent with NASA’s top priority to help Muslims “feel good about their historic contribution in science and math and engineering,” as the space agency’s chief, Charles Bolden, recently told al Jazeera TV.

Echoing the words of President John F. Kennedy in March of 1961, President Barack H. Obama told a joint session of Congress, “I believe this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of landing a Muslim on the Moon, and returning him safely to Earth using only Muslim technology.”

According to Mr. Bolden, NASA engineers are already “close to testing” a solid rocket booster powered by combustible animal dung, and operated according to principles discovered by Ibn Al-Haytham, Islam’s best-known scientist, who died in 1039 A.D..

While President Kennedy put a 10-year deadline on his moon-landing challenge, President Obama said he hopes to achieve this new daring goal “before the millennium is out.”

Meanwhile, the chief researcher at Yemen’s Muslim World University welcomed the president’s announcement, and offered his colleagues’ assistance in “targeting the moon landing so that the Muslim astronaut could plant the flag of Islam precisely on the lower tip of the lunar crescent, offering him a clear view of that really big star.”

(2010-06-22) — Despite Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s apparently insubordinate remarks about President Obama in the recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, the Pentagon announced today that the president cannot fire the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan under current “rules of engagement.”

“We have to be very careful about collateral damage,” said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. “If the commander in chief were to axe Gen. McChrystal, some his family members and even his friends might also be hurt. President Obama is committed to winning the hearts and minds of the U.S. military, and you don’t do that through aggression, kicking down doors and canning people.”

The Pentagon source said the Obama administration has “very restrictive rules of engagement that prevent harm to non-combatants even if that means allowing bad actors to go free, and to continue their attacks. Even stern rebukes can cause widespread damage, so the president must take care to not make the general uncomfortable when he meets with him at the White House.”

In addition to retaining Gen. McChrystal, the president has reportedly let him know that no matter what he does in the future, his job, rank and retirement account are safe.

“Ultimately, President Obama believes that you don’t win battles by defeating your rivals,” the source said, “but by persuading bystanders that you have the best of intentions and then announcing very publicly that you’ll soon put an end to hostilities.”